You know what I don’t get…

This blatant hatred for Franky’s character. I mean, dude, this character is multi-layered and has been since the very beginning. Don’t read on if you have yet to see Mini& Franky. 

In this fifth series, we saw Franky introduced as a damaged androgynous girl who was used as a central character to bring the group together. She was featured in every episode in some sense, and no one complained about her then. 

Flash forward to series 6 where she’s continued to grow AS A CHARACTER. A writer’s job is to make sure that their stories aren’t stagnant. Franky underwent what is called a dynamic character change but still retained her central flaw which is the fear of abandonment. 

You see this very clearly in the episode 9 as she slowly breaks down while trying to help Mini with her pregnancy and her direct avoidance of the word “love”. Minky shippers, I’m sorry. I was one of you, I still am and this pairing is never going to happen. But Franky clearly suffers from the cliche that is: You must love yourself and get right before you can love anyone else. She can’t love Matty. She can’t love Nick. And she can’t love Mini. 

In series 5 Franky was able to make it through until the complications of emotional attachment was introduced in episodes seven and eight. From then on her character begin to spiral and change, she loses who she thought she was (someone who walked the line between the feminine and masculine) because she loses control of her environment. It makes sense, if you get past all the bullshit on the forums. 

So stop hating on Franky, she’s on journey just like every other character. Just like Alo, Mini, Rich, Liv, Alex, Nick and Matty. 

2 months ago  /  14 notes

Letters I Never Send

Dear L- 

It’s so annoying when you’re in the car and you’re thinking about writing something down and you have a million things to say and when you sit down you have no words. I had a million things to say and now I have no way to say them in the awesome way I had planned. 

I don’t want to bring you down, so if reading about how I love you will upset you then you should stop now and close this and come back to it on a day when it won’t make you sad. This is not the intention of this. But if you want to know why I won’t hurt you like before, then read on Bunny. 

So after that disclaimer (warning?!) we can get down to the real stuff. 

This might embarrass me, it might make you feel uncomfortable because there are things we don’t talk about anymore because we shouldn’t. But it isn’t okay to keep it all inside and the only person that I want to talk to about it at this point is you. I think you need to hear it, deserve to hear it. 

I’ve messed up so much. Sometimes I feel like that’s all I do. And it isn’t fair to you for me to epic fail that often. But I have and I will probably mess up again. (not in the same way as before. I’m determined to never hurt you like that again, but more about that in a minute)

I feel like sometimes we have this huge time clock over our heads counting down until September 1. And I think that you’re looking forward to it and dreading it, all at the same time. But I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m trying my hardest to see the good in it, and dammit, I know that living together is a bad idea but it makes my chest catch and I start to feel sick when I think about not seeing you everyday like I basically have for the past year and a half. 

The end is always the hardest part to face. On the days when you see me upset and you ask me what’s wrong, that’s usually a day where I am facing the end. It’s one of the days that I know I’ll never be loved by you again, in least in the way that I was. I won’t get to hold your hand again, kiss your face and be held by you. And that reality blisters my skin and makes it hard to breathe.  

And I know you have those days too. And I know that you love me, the good parts and the bad parts. 

You don’t want to let me in. And yesterday when you told me that I didn’t ask you to let me in or anything else like that because I wanted to think about my responses, I wanted them to be honest and real and not surface reasons for you. I love that we talked about it, even though the result wasn’t necessarily positive. There’s more hurt there then I can imagine, underneath the toughness that you show me and everyone else. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re dealing with. 

I know what goes on inside of me. The pain that lies underneath the surface, so I’m sure that yours is worse. 

But here’s the good part. 

I know that I won’t hurt you like before. I won’t hurt you in a new way. And I know that you’ll say that you don’t believe that and also, that you can’t believe it. And I understand, that’s for your heart’s safety. But I can guarantee that I won’t move on, and it isn’t because you don’t want me to. It’s because I don’t want anyone but you. 

And maybe in the years to come that I spend alone that fact will change. But while you’re in my life, I know that my heart won’t give up on you. And you might think that it’s because no one else has come along to catch my eye but that’s not true. 

I hate myself everyday for what happened with Taylor, that was the worst month I’ve ever spent in 25 years emotionally. I hate myself for hurting you. I don’t always let you see it because I get angry and that’s the emotion that comes first but I’m ashamed of my actions and behaviors and things I said. I can’t take them back and so I can only be a better person now and hope that one day who I’ve become will be worth forgiveness. 

No one will else will catch my eye, I don’t want anyone’s attention. Just yours. You absolutely captivate me. Still. Not who you used to be, but who you are now. And you infuriate me sometimes. You make me laugh and when you smile, I’m completely lost. And sometimes that makes me sad but other times I’m grateful for knowing that I can even experience this for another person. I’m terrified of how you’ll react to this.  

And that might make me sound pathetic, or it might upset you because of your decision in May. And I won’t ever ask you to back down on what you believe because I love you and I want you to be happy. And if happy is with someone else, I would never ask you to not pursue that. I will love you no matter what, unconditionally, and I’m ready to tackle whatever comes my way to prove that.  

 So the point is: If you want to let me in but you’re afraid, you can let me in. It will take forever to rebuild our friendship, but it’s worth it. And if you don’t want to let me in, then be aware that I am not going anywhere. I’ll stand outside your window, I’ll camp in your front yard, I’ll try my best not to get mad and to leave you alone when you want. 

Maybe you need to see me really fight for us. And if you don’t need to see it, then you’ll end up seeing anyway. 

2 months ago  /  3 notes

Just once I want to believe that life is a fairytale. That happy endings do exist. Even for people like me.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

I want to live in my dreams, because I marry you everytime I close my eyes.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

Yet again

I find myself alone. Crying. 

Things I have learned from this: 

I will not trust Chara. No more. She is what my mother likes to call a politician. She tells me what I want to hear. And then has no backbone to stand for what she’s previously said. No more trust. 

I will no longer show that I care. Maybe one day I actually won’t. 

2 months ago  /  0 notes

Bend me a little under your thumb now, crush me further into the ground. I promise you I can get lower. I promise you I can disappear into nothing. 

2 months ago  /  0 notes

It’s funny to go back on things and think well what if I hadn’t done that?

Just had a fight with Lauren not even an hour ago, it started as we walked into Subway and she told me that Chara was going out tonight with her and Taylor.

Let me preface by saying I know that Taylor does not want to hang out with me and I do not want to hang out with her. We dated. It was wrong. It’s over. But moving on, I was unaware that Chara would be going on this outing, effectively leaving me alone for the evening because there’s no way in hell I’m hanging out with Michael. And I was upset because Lauren and I had a fight about three weeks about not leaving Chara alone. 

But it’s okay to do it to me. So I was reasonably upset and voiced that I was so. She offered for me to come along and I was hesitant but said yes because at some point change must come. But then she took it back and said she didn’t want me there. 

It’s okay for you to do whatever you want. Even though you’ve messed up just as much as me…? But when I say that I’m upset, or that it’s unfair you justify your actions by saying that I deserve it for my decisions I made months ago. 

News for you: No one deserves to feel how I feel right now. Like nothing. Like some unwanted piece of tissue paper that you just rip on when you’re bored. I have made mistakes, but so have you. And if the tables were turned, you would be a monster in my place. I have been as patient as possible, losing my temper when we fight because you go for the throat every time. 

I can’t do this anymore. 

I don’t want to walk away. It feels like a part of me is dying, and will die because of this. In fact, I almost don’t want to be alive. I’ve thought of suicide a lot in the past couple of weeks. How nice it would be to not feel this feeling that I’m sure will get worse when I leave. I don’t do it because I don’t want you or my parents or friends to feel that pain of knowing that I’m not there anymore. I don’t stay alive for me. That’s pathetic. I just wish sometimes that I would die in an accident, so that this would go away. 

sorry.

2 months ago  /  0 notes

I’d rather be alone. 

2 months ago  /  0 notes